Holiday Greetings to You
We wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to our friends and family, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So we met with our attorney yesterday, and on his advice we wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, observed with due respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or ethnic/cultural traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, medically uncomplicated, psychologically stable and carbon-responsible recognition of the onset of the generally accepted 'Gregorian' calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere of course) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, philosopical conception or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms and conditions: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher(s) to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher(s). This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher(s). You (the wishee) are solely responsible for appropriate subsequent use/applicatoin/tranference of this greeting, and the wisher(s) shall not be liable for any damages incurred to third parties subsequent to your extension of this greeting. Your receipt/acceptance of this greeting constitutes understanding of and agreement to binding arbitration in the event of actual or perceived damages, distress or hardship stemming from receipt/acknowledgement of said greeting and/or wish.
Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
(Can't remember where I ever got this thing, it's been sitting in my files for ages. I can't claim credit or even give credit to whoever originated it, so I guess it's now part of the 'ambient internet data pool'.