The old-fashioned horror movies just don't cut it anymore. 'Back in the day', the Wolfman, Dracula, the Mummy and Frankenstein really spooked people because those were archetypes that resonated with the fears of a simpler time. But not any more...
How can we cringe at Dracula any more, when insurance companies 'feed on the blood of the living' in the millions every day, and the biggest bloodsuckers of all give each other bonuses after they eat your house & suck up your retirement plan? Who can get freaked out over a poor sad whack like Larry Talbot the Wolfman tripping out under a full moon, when your next door neighbor turns out to be John Wayne Gacy or Jeff Dahmer? Hell, compared to the things you meet living in (or just driving through) America's inner-cities, vampires and werewolves look pretty chummy...
Yes, we're past the mutant giant ants, big rubber sharks, the Aliens and Predators & your basic lurching risen-from-the-grave flesh eaters. We live in a pluralistic and badly fragmented society, and the old simple images of paranoia don't arouse the universal skin-crawling fear they once did. To be a really solid box-office contender in contemporary society, a horror movie should embrace a broad range of multi-cultural fears, chain-saw down into the secret ass-clamping terrors of diverse clumps of cultural gristle bubbling around in the American melting pot. After months of intensive psychological-profile research (well, a couple hours pounding Jeager-shots & skimming back issues of 'Psychology Today'), a definitive screenplay has emerged for the ultimate, all-encompassing cross-cultural contemporary horror-flick.
Blue Moon Studios & Carl Denham, Ltd. proudly present:
Opening: (Helicopter shot) of the biker gang roaring across the New Mexico desert. (Zoom in) to focus on black leather vest with embroidered insignia: Hog-Riding Capitalist Tools. At the head of this vicious pack rides their leader, John-boy Thumpsem (Vin Diesel); they are headed north-east to attack a gay-rights rally in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. At a sun-scorched roadside bar in Badcarma, Texas, John-boy spots the lovely barmaid Maria Cravezit (Eva Mendez), a poli-sci dropout from UCLA Berkeley now stranded slinging chili & warm beer in this dead-end pissant town. Captivated by this smokin' hot babe, he persuades her to come with him, little knowing that her ruby nipples and seductive Women's Lib dialogue will slowly erode his dull-witted macho supremacy… (dissolve )
(fade in) Meanwhile in Philly, sensitive homosexual activist Trent Allgood (Orlando Bloom) struggles to keep the fragile coalition of gay-rights leaders intact. His major opponent is the charismatic Belinda Lasher (Angelina Jolie), head of the militant lesbian group LKA (Ladies Kick Ass), who plans to turn the Rainbow Parade into a violent confrontation with the corrupt & brutal arch-conservative Police Commissioner Hardwick Caine (Keanu Reeves). Neither Trent nor Belinda realize that their factions are being cleverly manipulated by Andrew Judas (Christopher Walken), a cross-dressing FBI infiltrator whose fanatic patriotism masks the tortured inner conflict between his rigid Baptist upbringing and his fatal obsession with lace lingerie.
Aboard a plane from Mexico City to Philadelphia is brilliant Leftist organizer Carlo Marx (Antonio Banderas), who dreams of uniting the gay workers of the world into a rock-solid political union of disaffected hairdressers, alienated interior decorators & seditious female soccer coaches. On the shuttle bus leaving the airport, two opposing subversives eye each other murderously: Israeli militant Levi Strauss (Elijah Wood) and Hassan ibn Sabah (Brad Pitt), operative of the notorious Middle Eastern underground group Haffass. The two spies are both unwittingly en route to collect monies the same clandestine 'banker', a CIA surveillance operative known to them as Malcomb Ecks (Will Smith). In downtown Philadelphia, Carlo, Levi and Hassan contemptuously bypass a desperate coke-addicted streetwalker named Candy Stickey (Paris Hilton).
In a warehouse laboratory on the industrial outskirts of Philly, crazed particle physicist Alexander Graham Tesla (Johnny Depp) makes the final adjustments on his greatest invention—the Homogenization Field Generator. A paranoid schizophrenic pacifist follower of L. Ron Hubbard, Tesla's goal is to end racial, religious and social conflicts forever--when he flips the switch, the HFG will convert everyone in Philadelphia into a trans-ethnic, pan-doctrinal & environmentally-conscious uber-group: the New Human Race. Once the city is transmogrified, cells of enlightened New Humans will smuggle Homogenization Field devices around the world, until the entire planet is amalgamated into the Really United Nations. (Outside the laboratory, a thunderous roar of engines fills the street as the Hog-Riding Capitalist Tools roll into town.)
Out near the Moon, an alien flying saucer drops out of hyperspace and begins monitoring transmissions from Earth; unfortunately, they receive simultaneous broadcasts of 'America's Funniest Home Videos', Rush Limbaugh, 'Cops', Keith Olbermann, re-runs of 'The Dukes of Hazzard' and 'Dancing With The Stars'. The ET's conclusion is inevitable-- despite the presence of advanced intelligences like dolphins and the humpback whales, humanity must be exterminated for the good of the galaxy. Hurtling along the plot-line toward Philadelphia, the alien executioners prepare to fire their terrible Exaggeration Beam, enlarging the city's rat population into gigantic flesh-eating rodent monsters that will eventually devour every man, woman and child on the planet.
John-boy leads the bike gang into downtown Philly as Trent & Belinda's gay-activist marchers fill the streets. Mad Dr. Tesla starts the final countdown even as opposing Middle Eastern fanatics Levi and Hassan stand with smoking guns over the body of Malcomb Ecks. Commissioner Hardwick orders the Riot Squad into action while FBI agent Judas (in a silk baby-doll nightie) babbles his final report into a cell phone. Lesbian ninjas decimate the riot-cops and Carlo the socialist tosses his leaflets into a storm drain when Candy the crack-whore offers a two-hour hooter for a 20 dollar rock. Alien tentacles curl over the controls of the Exaggeration Beam as the screen fills with a (jump-cut) montage of (sing to the tune of 'My Favorite Things): skinheads and faggots & Middle East plotters, fascists and peaceniks and Bolshevik stalkers, bikers and hookers who turn tricks daily, these are just some of the scenes that you'll see. The Exaggeration Beam streams down over the city at the exact instant the Mad Scientologist pushes the final button of the Homogenization Field---a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT!!! (fade to white)
(fade in) Smoke and dust obscure the devastated rubble of Philadelphia…an ominous, hulking form stirs amid the gloom. (Camera pulls back) from a close-up of enormous high-heeled, sequined Nike Airs-- (slow pan, up) to fishnet pantyhose stretched over huge knobby knees… A towering monster in leather drag lurches amid the shattered remains of skyscrapers, a specter of doom that chills the blood… The red glare of sunset paints lurid highlights over the 50-foot tall figure of—DENNIS RODMAN as…The 50-Foot Zombie Crackhead Homo Atheist Socialist Fundamentalist Neocon Zionist Feminist Muslim CIA NWO TreeHugging Terrorist From Outer Space!!!. . . . (fade to black…) . . . .(Roll Credits)
Coming Soon to a Theater Near YOU!!!