["Testing..uh, Tasting...tasting 1-2-3, tasting... ...mmm,tasty--"(choke!hack!wheeze)]
Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, GLBT's & visiting humanoid life forms, this is your First Mate and Acting Captain SwamiJim. I'd like to thank you all for attending tonight's President Obama Inauguration Festival, Name the Yacht Celebration, and our special "Name That Reefer Strain" party. At this memorable moment in American history, it seems appropriate and fitting that our community of liberal doper romantics come together in celebration of a significant change in the annals of our nation. Tonight, the history of the United States is changed--and (as stoners have done since the time of Bacchus) it behooves us to commemorate this auspicious event by getting totally ripped and partying our asses off. As we begin the evening's festivities, I'd like to bring you all up to speed on the progress of our ongoing maritime reefer fantasy.
First, the results of the Name the Reefer Yacht poll:
Be it known that the winning submission is: the 'SS High Seas', submitted by Trying to Find Work!! As promised, TfW will have the honor of lighting the first official Cruise Doobie at the launching party, and breaking a bottle of champagne over her head to christen our vessel. On behalf of our community, crew and passengers, thanks a million for all your submissions and votes...
Second, a bit of High Seas history and an Announcement of Historic Significance from our Ship's Horticulturist, ManofKnowledge (take it away, Professor):
["Thanks Number One...uh, tasting one-two-- (whhiffff,ssssukkkk..nngk... "Threeekkkk" ..gmmmm- choke!hack!wheeze...)]
"The growing facility on the SS High Seas features the most advanced cannabis production facility ever assembled on planet Earth. The glass used to build the Gro-Dome was produced from silicon collected from meteorites landing in Antarctica; the silicon crystals from these were then melted down and molded in the 1 meter by 2 meter panes used to build the dome. These panes of glass filter out all competing solar rays and focus the exact spectrum of light required for cannabis growth on the plants below. We are able to produce a fully mature crop of 12-inch bud every two weeks.
The plants are grown hydroponically using a chemical formula devised by our expert horticulturalers...um horticulturalists--ah, horticultur...horti-- pot growers, after years of experimentation. Needless to say, the investigation has led to incorporation of rather unusual and creative ingredients. We cannot divulge this highly proprietary information, but one of the components is Washington DC sewer water. We have found this water to be extremely rich in rhetorical garbage, refined elephant & donkey manure and serendipitous irony, ingredients that contribute to the amazing 'giggle factor' in the cannabis high.
The nourishment formula is so secret it is only known to three people, & each only knows a portion of the formula (a tradition handed down from those ancient dopers, the Illuminati). Each grower's portion of the formula is tattooed where the sun don't shine and can only be revealed during skinny dipping parties in the Main Deck pool or in the event of their untimely demise from overdose.
The SS High Seas follows the sun around the world only traveling along an equatorial path except when the Navigator (Fausts son) gets too blasted and gets us lost. One time we sailed up the Amazon River by mistake, thinking it was the Panama Canal; however, it proved to be a productive trip since we discovered a strain of cannabis deep in the Amazon jungle that had properties one can only describe as the Primal Stone. After smoking two hits of this dope, the entire crew stripped naked and danced through the jungle singing 'Wemaway'. Needless to say, we collected seeds from that strain to add to our cannabis gene pool.
We have collected seeds from the mountains of Hawaii to the cafes of Amsterdam. A particular strain found in Humboldt County, California has aphrodisiac qualities. When the plant it produces is smoked, it makes one want to lay down with Nancy Reagan if you're male and cuddle up to Arnold Governator if you're female (needless to say, only a minute percentage of these Cannabis seeds are utilized in our genetic engineering process). A strain found in the hills outside Louisville, Kentucky gives you an irresistible urge to play bluegrass music and race around a track with a midget on your back.
Through cross-pollination and the secret fertilizer formula, the High Seas has produced some of the most incredibly potent crops ever in the past five millenia of cannabis cultivation. We would like to sell some sometime, but we keep smoking it all up before we can weigh and pack it.
The fact is that it is so potent, the gardeners have to wear special breathing gear when they enter the Gro-Dome or they get so high just breathing the fumes from the buds that they forget why they went in, eat the buds and end up pigging out on the entire ship's store of Oreo Cookies and Crackerjack when they eventually crawl out.
The air exhaust from the Gro-Dome's custom air conditioning system is collected and compressed into canisters which can fetch up to 50 pounds of gold bullion in the Middle East, India and China. We do a direct barter of this compressed 'essence of delight' with certain Arab countries, who supply the High Seas with fuel; a single canister per year is used to purchase 'hijack insurance' from the 'maritime salvage entrepreneurs' of Somalia. We generally distribute the remainder to a special network of witch doctors in remote Central and South America in exchange for salsa laced with Psylocibin mushrooms.
Whenever international law enforcement agencies board our vessel we gladly lead them into our Gro-Dome; by the time they exit they are laughing so hard they fall overboard and can't remember why they stopped us when we fish them out. (We have begun urging the maritime narcs to wear life vests for their own safety as they come aboard, since the contact high from talking with passengers & crew is sufficient to totally demolish any fascist sense of duty.)
Needless to say, a product of this high quality deserves a special name to match; please help by suggesting names for the SS High Seas premium strain of super-cannabis. In the interest of stoner inspiration, we naturally suggest that you partake of your own supply before submitting any suggestions.
Thank you for your kind attention. I am now inserting this message into a bottle and tossing it overboard, as I don't know where we are, or if any of you are still coherent or paying any attention. If you find this epistle, please post a response text on Newsvine. Keep the bottle; one whiff of its contents will keep you blitzed for a week.
Uhhh...shit, what did I do with that bottle? Who am I talking to? Where's the ice cream?"
Ohh-Kay...someone please throw a net over that man, and administer oxygen, or nitrous oxide--or maybe electro-shock...something, Jee-zus...
Fellow freaks, tonight is a night of (pardon the expression) solemn joy. We honor a new President, leading our nation in a time of worldwide anxiety, apprehension and strife. We celebrate a rebirth of hope, a resurgence of fellowship, and a return of optimism in the face of impending crisis. Thank you all for joining us here on the High Seas--tonight we witness and are part of history in the making. Let us all rejoice together...
Raise your glass, pack your bowl, toot your line...ROLL UP--the times, they ARE a'changin!!!
(Special Thanks and a tip of the Swami's turban to Professor MoK for remarkable audio work and the 'Name that Strain' segment...)